Attack of the Zombies (a true story...somewhat!)

     "WATCH OUT!"

     The creature shuffled toward us steadily, its glazed eyes targeting us like a hawk hunting his next meal.  From just a glance I could tell that he was beyond sick.  His clothes were but rags.  His feet were filthy and his hands were covered with blood.  His eyes were crusted over with infection.

     "Dad, what are we going to do?" my young teen son asked.  I looked at him; he wasn't ready to this.  For the first time I felt ashamed at the safe, comfortable, middle class lifestyle I had given him.

      Deftly, I snatched the axe from the corner of my garage.  The creature had begun to charge and I knew I had one shot.   I placed my right hand near the top of the axe (my left was at the bottom),  placed the head over my shoulder,  lifted the blade straight up and hurled it forward.   As if in slow motion, my right hand slipped to the bottom of the handle.  The razor sharp edge, hurled by my strength and Newtonian physics, hacked into the zombie's cranium.  His skull split open, revealing a mass of rotting, grey and red brain matter.  The axe, finding little resistance in the weakened flesh, continued downward through the neck and halfway into the chest.  I pushed.  The monster fell backward, away from me.  I yanked out my weapon and beckoned to my son, who was in shock.

     "Come on" I said.  "Let's find some more!"...

     Actually, I didn't kill anybody.  The axe in question does sit in my garage, but I only use it for chopping firewood.  I'm good for 10 minutes before my testosterone fails; then I go buy some wood from the old man selling on the side of the road.

     And the zombies...they're real.   In real life they're called:  Christians, Atheists, Mormons, Jehovah Witnesses, Baptists, Methodists, Democrats, Republicans, Right to Lifers, Pro-Choicers, Independents, Northerners, Southerners, African Americans, Whites, Asians, Native Americans, citizens, aliens, educated, uneducated, Gun Lovers, Gun Controllers, Anarchists, etc.  If I have neglected to name at least one group of which you are a member, then please feel free to fill in the following blank (offense intended): ________________________.

      Now it is time for my disclaimers:  I believe that most people are basically good, and that we have the right to have our own opinions and affiliations; however, I also believe that we each transform into The Walking Dead when we take the lazy way out.  I receive robocalls from both Liberal and Conservative Candidates who blame all of this country's problems on their opponents.  I have friends who swallow everything that comes from their pastors, including (philosophically) things that belong in his toilet.  I have friends who are so vehement in their atheism, that their anti-religiosity has become a religion unto itself.  I know citizens who think illegal aliens picking fruit are stealing their MBA-level jobs.

     I know myself.  I postpone decisions.  I extend deadlines.  I table serious discussions until later, which often never comes. 

     Perhaps we are all creatures of bad habits.  Perhaps we all need to kill off our lazy selves, the unproductive tendencies, the waste.  Perhaps we need to whet the edges of our axes, by improving our skills, getting additional certifications, expanding our knowledge base and leaving our comfort zones.  Perhaps we need to challenge our leaders and organizations when they fail to "practice what they preach."

     All I know is that the zombies are coming, along with the life-sucking / monster-creating force that creates them.  So get your axe ready and join the hunt!

     Always B Positive!

The War of the Dental Appliances

     The Conspiracy had finally come to fruition!

     An evil International Consortium had secretly conspired with the Aliens, who had amassed a mighty armada of warships behind their invisible cloaking shields.  But now these behemoths lumbered across the sky like great aircraft carriers.  They moved into position, readying their weapons for the final assault upon the panet Earth.

     Yet little did they know that a hero would soon appear, perhaps the only one who could stop the invaders.  Little did they know that the Conspiracy would be toppled by everyman's Everyman.  Little did they know that the pudgy, aging nerd on the hill would unleash the most lethal weapon ever created.

     A tooth flosser.  The weapon was the pointy end of a plastic tooth flosser, one of those green or white picks that cost one or two dollars a bag at any drug- or discount store.

      The crowd was under surveillance.  But when the opportunity presented itself, I raised my right hand, and balancing the pick between my two fingers, aimed and squeezed.  The blast produced a mere pinpoint of light, which quickly morphed into a mighty missile.  The the lethal drone headed for the closest ship, striking it on the underbelly near one of the engine nacelles, which exploded in a huge fireball.  Now unbalanced, the ship pitched slowly sideways and crashed just outside of town.  We felt the heat from miles away and the ground itself trembled from the impact.

     "Look!" someone shouted.

     I did.  On the horizon were hundreds of similar enemy ships, which were now alerted to my presence.  Yet fear never registered in my heart.  With merely a glance I recruited hundreds of comrades, and with floss picks in hand, we raced headlong to the battle, to deal death to the invading alien Superfortresses in the sky...

     When I told my wife about the dream, she merely shook her head, mumbled something under her breath like Popeye, and went back to whatever she was doing.

     I have no idea what she said, but she's probably right.  Upon further examination, I realized that on a regular basis I have been avoiding something vital.

     Sleep.

     I enjoy my dreams but rarely do I remember them.  When I am sleep deprived and tired, I sink quickly into the depths without having any memorable dreams.  It is only when I am well rested do I sleep properly and wake up naturally instead of by alarm clock.  On these rare occasions I slowly ascend toward consciousness and linger in that realm wherein - according to the scientists - memorable dreams occur.  As much as I enjoy these flights of fancy, I simply do not allow myself the luxury of embarking. 

     Why is it so hard to make easy choices?  Why is it so hard to simply do the simplest of things?  Perhaps this is why we fail to address more vital areas, like taking care of our health, planning for the future, eliminating debt, etc.  I admit that some people's lives are hard.  Victims of war, abuse and crime may not have as many choices; however, I contend that every one can do something that can make their lives easier.

      The warships are approaching, but they are not the armed airships inspired by one too many Science Fiction or Steam Punk novels or movies.  They are the Warships of Life.  Mine is the war for more sleep and better time management.  Yours may be in other areas.  Regardless of your enemy, today is the first and greatest battle in this epic struggle.  Will you join me?

     Raise your arm.  Steady your flossers!  Fire!